Is everyone here very stoned?

An objectively true ranking of characters in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Spoiler Alert! This article contains many spoilers for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Consider yourself *warned*

Britnee: It was the evening of March 31, 2017, and I only had a few hours to finish watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer before it would be gone from Netflix forever. As someone who never watched the show growing up (and as a passionate Buffy/Spike stan), ending my first ever viewing in the middle of season 7 would have been a tragedy. That final battle! That redemption arc! Ask my friend Jessi, a Buffy/Angel stan who chooses to believe the show ended when Buffy’s life did at the end of season 5, and she’d tell you the last two seasons are simply “Bonus Buffy.” But to me, who was deep in the throes of a days-long Buffy binge, finishing the show was the only thing that mattered. I canceled all my plans. I closed my blinds. I told Brigid not to disturb me (and then later, interrupted her date when I finished and needed to grieve). And I got to work.

It’s not easy watching two seasons of Buffy in two and a half days, but somebody’s gotta do it. Finishing the show was a fever dream of emotions, grief and confusion and relief and exhilaration and exhaustion, plus a palpable sense of creeping dread. What was I going to do with my life now that my singular purpose of finishing Buffy was complete? Never mind the fact that my college graduation loomed, or that while I had been busy binging the show, my skeezy ex was hooking up with some girl at Mario’s in South Side. All I could do was think about Buffy, or talk about Buffy, or look up Buffy memes and think-pieces on the internet. To my non-Buffy conforming friends (read: most of them), I had become insufferable. Thankfully, that did not include Brigid. As a lifelong Buffy fan and as my roommate during the great Buffy Binge of ‘17, Brigid was the one person who was probably thinking about the show just as much as I was. I don’t know if I would have had the adrenaline to binge it so fast if she wasn’t on the sidelines pumping me up.

It’s been a few years, and I’ve chilled out about the show for the most part, (I have gone to two Buffy trivia nights in NYC, but I’ve never won, ok!) but that doesn’t mean I don’t still think about it often, or (once more,) with big feelings. That’s why I’m very glad this newsletter exists. Brigid and I can just decide that we want to do a Buffy character ranking for no reason at all, and then do it. And that’s exactly what we’ve done here.

Without further adieu, here it is: Our completely fair and objectively true ranking of characters in Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

22 - Dawn Summers

Brigid: Freakin’ Dawn. Whiny, self-righteous, teen-angsty, ultimately-responsible-for-Buffy’s-demise Dawn. Dawn, like all little sisters, shows up out of nowhere, without warning or explanation, and ruins everything. I say this as someone who both is a little sister and has little sisters so I know what I’m talking about.

Even if Dawn’s character wasn’t completely unbearable, her storyline is so out of left field, I am still scratching my head over it. Dawn is literally dropped into the show in season 5 and the entire cast acts as though she has been there the entire time and we as the audience are just supposed to accept that? I know it’s explained later and it’s even kind of clever but still, who does that? Even Buffy recognizes how insufferable Dawn is and is quite vocal about it, until it’s revealed that Dawn is actually a magical being made human so that Buffy will protect her, at which point Buffy does a 180 and starts treating Dawn like her most precious and beloved possession. Lol ok. We are not so easily swayed. Dawn is a plague and if not for Michelle Trachtenberg’s enchanting performance in Ice Princess, the character would have surely destroyed the actor’s career.

21 - Kennedy

Britnee: This bitch. Let me count the ways. She turns everyone against Buffy and then gets her kicked out of her own house. She is a relentless bully who calls potential slayer Chloe a “maggot” so much that it drives her to commit suicide. She is a proud, self-proclaimed brat, with winning lines like,

“This may have escaped your keen notice, but I'm kind of a brat. I've always sort of gotten my way.”

and,

“Don't be a brat, slinky. That's my profession, and I don't like amateurs crowding me.”

Not to mention she has a stupid fucking face. Just look at it! Bottom of the list for you, Kennedy.

20 - Riley Finn

Britnee: Riley is whole wheat bread, flavorless and bland, theoretically better for you than other types of bread but ultimately much less satisfying, no matter how much you try to spice it up. I get what Buffy is trying to do, but bby, you’re the slayer! You’re never going to be a normal girl, even if you date a human, and even if that human is as doormat-flat as Riley. I thought seasons 4 and 5 were the most boring seasons of the series, and I don’t think it’s any coincidence that those seasons feature Riley as part of the principal cast. The only exciting things he ever does are sleep with Faith and have a brief stint with gun violence, and wouldn’t you know it, both of those things make me like him even less. I honestly don’t even have anything more to say here. I’ve bored myself talking about him.

19 - The Nerds

Brigid: The Nerd Trio was a frustrating but at times amusing choice for the season six Big Bad. Up until this point, the season supervillains were mystical powerhouses - super strong vampires, demonic forces, gods - but for season six, the writers went with three guys playing Dungeons & Dragons whose backstories seemed to just be that they couldn’t get laid in high school. It sounds stupid, but the most outrageous part was that they actually managed to wreak some havoc on Sunnydale and Buffy - mostly out of incompetence, but it was havoc, nonetheless. While Andrew and Jonathan are relatively harmless, Warren, the leader, is such a misogynistic, arrogant, malicious prick that it’s actually a little bit sickening. However, he is singularly responsible for propelling Willow into her dark side, which ultimately results in her tracking Warren down, flaying him, and decimating what was left of the body without even breaking a sweat, and that was a thing of beauty.

18 - Jenny Calendar

Britnee: Ah, Jenny, the sexy teacher with a slightly less-sexy secret. She lied to Giles, and that’s not cool, but it’s not necessarily her fault, either. I don’t have any particularly strong feelings about Jenny one way or the other. I do, however, have very strong feelings about Giles, and Jenny made Giles happy for a time, so I suppose that makes her all right in my book. RIP, Jenny. You didn’t deserve to die!

17 - Darla

Britnee: Darla is kind of hilarious to me, mostly because her name is Darla, but also because this actress plays Dexter’s timid wife Rita on the TV show Dexter, and I can’t unsee her singing “Karma Chameleon” to her kids, even (and especially) when she’s in her vampire form. She’s important to the show, though, because she’s a foil for Angel, and acts as a sort of warning to Buffy about what could happen to her if she gets too close to him. Even though she loves being a vampire, there are elements of tragedy to Darla’s life that make her story a little bit compelling. I genuinely feel for her when she realizes Angel will never love her the way he loves Buffy. Also, her preference for seducing stupid men to feed on is something I can absolutely respect.

16 - Tara

Brigid: I feel bad about it, but there is just not that much to say about Tara. It feels like the show-runners really wanted to integrate her into the Scooby Gang, but they were so focused on linking lesbianism with witchcraft that they forgot to give her a personality. To be fair, she is following in the footsteps of Oz as Willow’s next romantic partner, and those are big shoes to fill. Despite her shortcomings, she is integral to Willow’s character development and anything that is good for Willow is good for all.

15 - Joyce Summers

ymir @darkchyIdes

buffy: hey mom! want me to pick dawn up from school? joyce:

Britnee: Joyce is a capital M-Mom. Much of her time on the show is spent simply being Buffy’s Mom, doing Mom things, so it’s pretty invigorating when she starts to learn about the Hellmouth and is forced outside of that traditional role. The evolution of her relationship with Spike is my favorite thing, as is the episode where Joyce and Giles get turned into teens and have sex. I know everybody says The Body is one of the best episodes of Buffy and I don’t disagree (though the star of that episode, if you ask me, is ~Anya~). Joyce’s sudden death was shocking and tragic and essential for Buffy’s growth (someone she loved who she couldn’t save? Whaat?). That doesn’t make this tweet any less hilarious, though.

14 - Harmony

“We’ve met, Harmony, you half-wit”

Brigid: Poor, simple Harmony. It’s a stretch to say that Harmony is any kind of central character in the series and you may be wondering why she is even included on this list and the answer is because she’s a riot. After a brief stint as Sunnydale High School Popular Girl, Harmony resurfaces on the show after being turned into a vampire and linking up with Spike. It’s hard to watch her miss all of the signs that her “blondie bear” Spike is in love with Buffy - girlfriend, he had you dress up and role play as the slayer! Wake up! - but not as hard as watching her convince herself that she is Buffy’s arch-nemesis (“she won’t give up until she’s killed me dead!”) I know the air-headed blonde trope is tired by now, but we all know there is more to Harmony than meets the eye. What she lacks in brains, she makes up for in bravado, and you just gotta respect her for it.

13 - Buffybot

Britnee: I have so much love for Buffybot. She is simply trying to do her best! her origin story is unfortunate… as is most of her story during the forward-moving action… but it’s only because everybody, everywhere is always trying to use her for their own personal gain. Not to mention she gave her robotic life to take down Glory, who I’m now realizing we’ve left off this list completely. But whatever! Buffybot deserves the spot more.

12 - Faith

Brigid: Faith’s character makes sense. It was only a matter of time before the show introduced a foil for Buffy - a dark-haired, red-lipped bad girl with a troubled past to stand against Buffy’s blonde, miniskirt-wearing hero who always does the Right Thing. Faith is fun for a while and she tells Buffy what we’ve all be thinking (that having literal superpowers is cooler than being on the cheerleading squad so quit pouting about it). In the end, though, Faith let us all down, not just because she gives into her darkness and becomes the villain - that was kind of a given - but because she turns out to be a coward underneath her facade. Faith runs when things get hard, she refuses to be accountable for any of her actions or even to acknowledge them, and she seeks out a father figure in the creepy, demonic Mayor, which is both a major betrayal and super gross. Faith shows us what happens when a Slayer goes bad and while her story is annoying at times and exhilarating at others, mostly it’s just kind of heartbreaking.

Tied for 10 - Angel

except for when you lose your soul, bro

Britnee: heheheheh we are going to make some people mad with this one (:<

Listen, I like Angel. I do. He helps Buffy a lot and loves her a lot and is an all-around Tortured Hottie. But his character is two-dimensional compared to a lot of others on the show who do more growing. Everything redeeming about him is only because he is a vampire who has a soul, which he has had for 100 years by the time Buffy starts. The other vampires in the show who are Scooby allies have to navigate being moral creatures without having souls, which is much more interesting to me (*ehem* Spike). And, as we all know, when Angel doesn’t have a soul, he’s the actual worst. He basically has two modes: sad good guy with soul or evil sadist without one. That’s cool for a couple of seasons but then gets tiring, which I’m sure the writers realized and is probably why he left the show after season 4, while Spike’s character continued to evolve all the way through the series finale. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Maybe I would’ve been more interested in Angel if the show was called Angel the Good Vampire and was about his life right after he was cursed with a soul. (I do love a period piece!) But alas, this is about Buffy. And Angel was always going to be too static for Buffy, both the girl and the show. I said what I said.

Tied for 10 - Xander Harris

…and then I hide until it goes away

Brigid: Britnee and I went back and forth a lot on the order of Angel and Xander in this list and finally came to a tie because, the sad truth is, Angel and Xander are just two pretty mediocre men by Buffy’s side. They do get points for being by Buffy’s side (most of the time) but they just dull in comparison to the brighter, more compelling characters on the show. You can’t really blame Xander for being a little lackluster, as he is one of the only main characters without any supernatural powers and he does his best in spite of his humanity and his much more powerful friends. What we CAN blame him for is his callous treatment of the amazing women in his life. He snubs Willow for years, he questions and criticizes Buffy, he cheats on Cordelia, he leaves Anya at the altar. Unforgivable. Not to mention, he, simply out of jealousy, elects not to tell Buffy that Angel’s soul can be restored so that Buffy is forced to kill Angel in one of the most gutting scenes in Buffy history. A true zeppo, if I ever saw one.

9 - Kendra Young

Britnee: We all know Buffy seriously lacks BIPOC representation, so it’s more than a little disappointing that the one major character of color, the badass Jamaican slayer Kendra—whose slayer powers were activated after Buffy’s temporary death—gets killed off early on. Once again, as with every death in the show, it’s important for Buffy’s arc to be reminded that 1. she can’t save everyone, and 2. a slayer is not invincible. But if the writers knew they were going to introduce a black woman as slayer only to have her killed off a few episodes later, couldn’t they have, I don’t know, not made her the only black character of importance on the show? Our queen Charisma Carpenter has already spoken out about what a misogynistic fucker Joss Whedon is. It seems to me we can tack “racist” onto that title, too.

8 - Daniel “Oz” Osbourne

Brigid: The most disappointing thing about Oz is that he didn’t get more screen time. Many Buffy characters are hotly contested (that’s the whole fun of doing our own ranking) but I think you would be hard-pressed to find any Buffy fan who doesn’t have a soft spot for Oz. From his total adoration for Willow to his hilariously dry humor and philosophical pondering, everything about him is undeniably charming. Well, except the werewolf thing. Unfortunately for Seth Green, the show was created before Hollywood got the memo that werewolves are hot and, consequently, Buffy features the least sexy werewolf depictions in the history of onscreen fantasy. And yes, that includes Harry Potter’s Lupin.

I mean…oof

True to his selfless nature, however, when Oz realizes how dangerous* (*hideous) he really is, he packs up and leaves Sunnydale, heading to Tibet to search for a cure, keep the gang out of harm's way, and spare Willow the pain of trying to preserve their relationship. A classy move, man, a real classy move.

7 - Dru

Brigid: Manic pixie dream girls wish they could do it like Dru. Her origin story is a tragic one: while a young, human girl, Drusilla captured the attention of an at-the-time-soulless Angelus, who then killed her entire family, tortured her into insanity, then turned her into a vampire in order to keep his favorite victim with him for eternity. Ew, Angel. Dru spends most of the show completely deranged, speaking in a singsong-y baby voice, rolling her eyes back in her head, and laughing maniacally at the slightest hint of violence, but at her strongest, she is an accomplished psychic, a powerful predator, and has the series’ top two dreamboats, Spike and Angel, wrapped around her finger. She’s beautiful. She’s insane. She’s murderous. If you were undead, you’d fall in love with her, too.

6 - Cordelia Chase

Britnee: Cordelia is the kind of bully I’d want to be, beautiful and popular of course, but also witty enough that she can destroy your life in a single sentence. Her very first line on the show is to give Willow a backhanded compliment about her dress (“Good to know you’ve seen the softer side of Sears!”), and the hits just keep coming from there. My personal favorite comes in season 3 episode 12, when Cordy interrupts an argument between Buffy and Giles: “Oh god, is the world ending? I have to research a paper on Bosnia for tomorrow, but if the world’s ending, I’m not gonna bother.” I love her unlikely allegiance with the Scoobys and her even more unlikely relationship with Xander. Most of all, I love her outfits.

5 - Anya (Christina Emmanuella) Jenkins

Britnee: Anya!! The Patron Saint of Scorned Women!! She is number 5 on this list but number 1 in my heart. Anya is an ex-vengeance demon with a fear of bunnies and a totally unfiltered mouth, which makes her the most hilarious member of the Scoobys. She genuinely does not understand capitalism (same), mortality (also same), or most arbitrary societal norms, and isn’t afraid to question something if she doesn’t think it makes sense. It all stems from the fact that she hasn’t been mortal for over a thousand years and therefore, is rediscovering her humanity. When Joyce dies, for instance, and she doesn’t properly express remorse, it’s not because she doesn’t feel bad—it’s because she has never had to learn what it means to grieve (“No one will explain to me why!"). I also get a lot of joy from her scenes with Giles at The Magic Box (“I have finesse coming out of my bottom”), where she is learning how to make an honest human living. I will never forgive Xander for leaving her at the altar, though of course, I understand his freak-out about getting married so young to someone with so much… life experience. He was never going to live up to Anya’s expectations because he’s a big dopey human. Simple as that.

*Spoiler in case you haven’t seen the finale* I SCREAMED when she died in the final battle. Her death is so fast and unceremonious—I had to rewind because I blinked and wasn’t sure what the fuck I had just seen—which I guess is realistic for what battles are like in real life (you know, when you’re battling demons and vampires at your local high school to stop your town from getting swallowed up by the Hellmouth). But I was very, very mad. She deserved better than getting absolutely sliced like that!

And finally, Anya utters my favorite line in all of Buffy, in the episode Tabula Rasa, which Brigid and I still quote regularly:

4 - Spike

Britnee: Spike is THE baddest vamp in the game, both in swagger and in literally doing bad things. Do you hear that, Angel stans? I know Spike is a bad guy for a lot of the show. He’s a murderer and a stalker. He tries to rape Buffy! He plays kitten poker! Even Tony Soprano has a soft spot for animals! But he does all those things without a soul, which, in the Buffyverse, means he has absolutely no moral compass or remorse. Then he redeems himself in the biggest and most meaningful ways a vampire can: by choosing to endure extreme torment to restore his soul, and then by sacrificing himself to save Buffy, the Scoobies, and all of Sunnydale in the final battle. A few days before I watched season 7, I told Brigid I didn’t care who died as long as it wasn’t Anya or Spike. LOL. I should’ve known that my two demonic faves were just too good for this earth.

Love him or hate him, I think we can all agree that Spike is extremely entertaining (see “is everyone here very stoned?” above). He has so many great lines and laugh-out-loud funny moments, and also some randomly compelling ones (“Love isn’t brains, children. It’s blood.”). Watching him try to navigate his hate/love for Buffy is one of my favorite storylines on the show (I bought Brigid a t-shirt that says “Out for a walk, bitch” for her birthday in 2017), and the hate sex they have together is waaay steamier than any of her sex scenes with Angel.

Lastly, I’ll leave you with this heart-wrenching moment, when Spike finds out that Buffy died at the end of season 5 and literally falls to the ground in despair:

Soul or no soul, when does Angel ever emote like this?

3 - Buffy Summers

Brigid: The quip queen, rocker of all things leather, slayer of all things evil, she alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness! It’s Buffy!! Buffy Summers is the superhero girls deserve. She is stubborn, ditzy, loyal, strategic, curious, impulsive, naive, lovesick, resilient, brave - basically everything you’d see in any teenage girl, but with the super-strength to match. And, of course, she is a 90’s style icon. To this day, I dream of finding the perfect red leather trench coat. Ultimately, you never really stop rooting for Buffy, even if she gets annoying or you disagree with her decisions. We hurt when she hurts, we love when she loves, we collectively scream when she dives off of a tower into a portal to hell, sacrificing her life in order to save the world. You get it.
Buffy 4ever.

Never gets old.

2 - Willow Rosenberg

Britnee: Willow is our gay witch with incredible style (look at that hat/suspenders combo!) and Buffy’s BFF, which makes her kinda like Hermione Granger but better. Calling her Buffy’s sidekick is an insult to her arc and to all the times she has saved Buffy’s ass when Buffy herself was indisposed. Willow is smarter than Buffy, and I’d argue she’s even more powerful than Buffy, too (for a time, she is certainly the most powerful character on the show, period). It goes without saying that Willow’s character is hugely important for LGBTQ representation—her relationship with Tara is one of the first between two women to be so positively portrayed on TV. When Tara dies, Willow goes full ~REVENGE GODDESS~ and fucking eviscerates her killer (pls refer to the gif in #19—it is so satisfying). Even when she goes rogue, at the end of the day Willow is a loyal bitch who will do anything for the people she cares about. Except when those people try to keep her from witchcraft. But hey, without her witchy curiosity, we never would have gotten Tabula Rasa, which is a masterpiece of an episode. Thanks, Willow!

1 - Rupert Giles

Britnee: Giles is the man of all men, an intellectual feminist zaddy who, unlike most of the men on the show, doesn’t rely on controlling or manipulating women to make himself feel good. What makes him feel good is helping the Slayer destroy forces of evil and reading books! It doesn’t matter that the Slayer is a 17-year-old girl—Giles believes in Buffy and genuinely wants her to succeed, and doesn’t try to keep any of the glory for himself. And that, as Paris Hilton would say, is hot! And speaking of hot, according to both Joyce and Olivia, his “orgasm friend” in later seasons, Giles has a considerable amount of sexual stamina. Sexy librarian, indeed!

Brigid: Obviously there are many Buffy character rankings in existence since the show last aired in 2003, but as Britnee has pointed out, this is the truest and fairest one. I hope you learned something.

If you disagree with any of the rankings, let us know so we can tell you how wrong you are!

More (How) Very Good Content, According to Brigid:

• I just finished watching the first two episodes of Fear Street on Netflix and while I really wasn’t expecting much when I initially clicked on it, I am now eagerly awaiting the release of the third and final installment. Inspired by R.L. Stine’s young adult novels by the same name, the trilogy follows a group of highschoolers who have awakened an evil force that’s been haunting their town for centuries. All in all, watching it has just been fun. It keeps you on the edge of your seat and half covering your eyes, but it never strays too far from the comfort of the R.L. Stine brand. If the idea of nostalgic, Goosebumps-style set ups - a suspenseful chase through a shopping mall after hours! a summer camp built on top of a haunted burial site! - combined with some classic slasher gore is appealing to you, you should definitely go watch it. If the idea of someone getting put through an electric meat slicer turns you off, probably avoid it.

• After recently finishing Daisy Jones and the Six on Britnee’s recommendation (you can read more on that below), I started The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. I think Britnee may have also recommended this to me several years ago and it’s been lingering in my subconscious until I recently picked up a copy in a bookstore. I am only a few chapters in and I am a little nervous because, contrary to what everything else I’ve said in this newsletter might lead you to believe, I don’t read a lot of fantasy. But, I know it will be good, because when I brought the book up to the counter, the old man working there looked at it and said, “Ah! I’ve been meaning to read this one!” and I walked out with the kind of confidence that only the validation of a kindly old bookshop owner can give you.

• Otherwise, I have been combing the websites and devouring the fall/winter lineups of every music venue in my near vicinity, trying to determine how many shows I can fit into the next few months. Live music! Do you remember?? Who are you guys seeing??? Can I come????

  

  Me diligently taking notes during a zoom call

More (How) Very Good Content, According to Britnee:

• I read Daisy Jones and the Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid last month after a year of friends telling me I needed to read it (by the way, whenever anybody says this to me it adds a certain level of pressure that tends to make picking up the book even harder. Like I’ll get to it when I get to it, u know?? Also, I am totally guilty of doing this, too. Have you read The Seas? Have you????), and not to be dramatic, but this is the best book I have read in a very long time! It hits that sweet spot at the intersection of commercial and literary that makes a book physically impossible to put down. It’s told as a collection of interviews with a cast of unforgettable characters, which makes every page utterly devourable. The way Jenkins Reid writes about music and music-making is so innate that it’s like you’re in the studio with the band, feeling the sounds as they’re coming into creation. Also, I can count on one hand the number of books that have made me cry (movies and TV is a different story), but the last page of Daisy Jones had me tearing up. Probably because I read the whole book in a night and was overcome with emotions. Definitely because the book does an excellent job tapping into the most universal parts of humanity, which are also the gray areas. Good fricken stuff!

• On the flip side, I’m binging the Freeform show Cruel Summer on Hulu, and it’s so bad. The writing, the acting, the coloring (WHO decided the summer of ‘95 should look like that? It’s so dark and over-contrasted that it’s borderline unwatchable). And yet, I am still watching, because the central mystery is intriguing: did Jeannette see Kate in the basement, or didn’t she? I need to know! I shirked all responsibilities yesterday and watched like 5 episodes, and now I only have two more to go. I guess I am simply biding my time until Outer Banks season 2 comes out at the end of the month, which is my preferred bad teen TV show.

• A shameless little plug: I interviewed Faye Webster about her new album, I Know I’m Funny haha, over at i-D. The album came out June 25th and it’s all I’ve been listening to. A Dream With a Baseball Player is my favorite song, I think, but it’s constantly changing. Give it a listen, and read the article if you’d like (: